What it's Like Living in My Mind
This excerpt from my notes app describes what it's like for me living with anxiety and depression. I have had feelings of anxiety my whole life, but depression is a little newer for me. This was going to be a song about living with anxiety, but then, I ended up writing so many different thoughts and realized how much anxiety and depression are interconnected. I decided to post this as a blog for now. These are thoughts I had in the past, currently do, and/or will in the future. It's a never ending cycle at times, but I am currently content. Please read the full thing if you want to get an idea of what it is like to live everyday overthinking, worrying, self-blaming, and depression. I think some of you may even relate, if you do, I SEE YOU. I UNDERSTAND YOU. YOU ARE VALID. IT WILL GET BETTER WITH HELP. (It's okay to ask for help. It takes strength to do that and continue to work to make your life what you want it to be.) :)
What it’s Like Living Inside my Mind:
Taking away moments with the people I love
Weird side glances made up in my head
Miss opportunities
Living with regret
Overthinking words I have said
Feeling like there’s no worth in my breath
I let my emotions control me
It’s all getting too much
I try to make things better, but somehow make it worse
No one understands
No one knows who I am
Doing things for reasons people never understand
People think I’m difficult, I’m selfish, I’m lazy, when I’m trying everything I can
I just want them to understand me
But what people think of me never compares to what my mind thinks of me
Feeling good, so I don’t go to therapy. Then, too depressed to go
No one sees me. No one sees my cries for help
I feel invisible at times
Other times, I feel I'm never enough
My overthinking on repeat
Depression and anxiety build off each other
It's like a tag team working together to bring me down
And it wins again and again
I notice every little thing
People think I’m too sensitive
I notice a change in tone, makes me look for the worst in people
I used to be optimistic, now I’m a pessimist
My past makes me not trust the love that’s right in front of me
My overthinking gets in the way of relationships and makes me overwhelmed with what could have been
Consumed with "what ifs" and "could've dones"
Loneliness, it’s unbearable at times
It’s isolating thinking no one will understand
No one can say the right thing
I can never say the right thing
It’s tiring to be in your head all day
Does anyone relate?? Is it just me? Will I ever get past it?
Always thinking about how things can go wrong
Always checking on others feelings, but never feeling understood myself
I feel other's emotions like they are my own
Replaying things in my mind over and over and never satisfied
One step forward, two steps back
Critical of myself, I can never live up to my own expectations
If I fail or feel like I have, it’s devastating
When I finally open up, I end up feeling like no one understands and feel more alone then ever
Rarely feel truly happy
Pressure on myself to make the most of everything
In between stage of life and stuck
Feel like I'm going no where
Nostalgic about past self
Depression comes no matter what I do
I let the past consume me, I’m spiraling, I’m never gonna be better
I cling to anything good in my life
It's a lifeboat
Zone out
Isolate in my own world
I live in my head more than I live in the world
It’s a comfort and a curse
Don’t know which thoughts are my own or my anxiety
Obsess over one idea
Destroys me when things don’t go my way because I don’t know if I’ll get another chance
Hate myself for ruining things
Constantly needing validation
I don’t trust myself
I trust other’s opinions over my own thoughts
Obsess over things being perfect, then give up because it never is
Avoiding things I love, knowing my own thoughts will ruin it
Easily hurt
My nights are my days
Overthinking runs my life
No one understands
I don’t understand
Regret is a daily feeling
I drink to feel something
I live in nostalgia cuz that’s when I was happy
Cycle of
Overthinking
Anxious
Sad
Mad
Repeat
Almost always in fight or flight
Everything triggers me
Just trying everything to survive
Not living
Can't live in the moment
Ruining good memories, my thoughts confusing them with bad
One moment I’m numb, the next, I want to scream to find anything to fill the loneliness I constantly feel
Why do I trust other peoples' opinions over my own? Why do I need their validation for things I know to be true?
My instinct is to go to worse case scenario
No one can put up with my catastrophizing
Self blame turns to self hatred
Makin me think things I never did before
Wanna take something to feel relief (it gets exhausting)
Wanna explain but can’t find the words
No one can say the right thing
Never in the present moment. Always overthinking about what I said, what people think, that I should enjoy the moment (it’s counterintuitive)
Loneliness
Avoiding things I love because I know it won’t live up
Living in my head more than the real world
Always checking my memory
*Locks the door*
“Did I lock the door?”
My mind tricks me to think I’m in this alone
Been going through this since I was a kid, so I think I can handle it
Then, my mind throws a curveball
It’s the ups and downs
I’m getting better, but I still have bad days
Those bad days are hard to see past
I think that if I have more good days than bad, that it’s a good life
When you are in a depressed state, it's daunting
When you are out of it, it's like a foggy dream that you know will return
It's okay to have these thoughts. It's what you do with them that matters.
I’m not alone
You’re not alone
We’re not alone :)